PAX: AOL, Duff Man, Honeysuckle

AO: Goose's Den

By: Honeysuckle

Three men emerged from the gloom: Honeysuckle, AOL, and Duff Man.

Attendance was suspiciously light, which YHC can only attribute to enthusiastically promoting Chedda Shredda. What was intended as hype apparently landed more like a public safety warning. Turns out announcing Chedda Shredda is a lot like announcing an audit: everyone suddenly has somewhere else to be.

YHC arrived to find the flags already planted and Duff Man’s truck sitting there with an engine colder than attendance at a mandatory HR seminar. How long had he been there? Nobody knows. Some estimates place his arrival sometime before sunset. Others say Tuesday.

Wet Tap’s anticipation for the workout had reportedly been high all week. Unfortunately, his anticipation for the fart sack turned out to be slightly higher.

With the crowd assembled, all three of us got to work on a morning of 90s country music, random trivia, and enough merkins to make Aaron Tippin change the station.

Warm-A-Rama

Chedda Shreda

The exercise that launches a thousand excuses.

John Deere Green – Joe Diffie
Hillbilly Walkers throughout with jump squats during the chorus.
Joe Diffie reminded us of a simpler time when expressing affection meant trespassing on a water tower with several gallons of paint. Somehow this became a hit song instead of a court appearance.

Trivia
3-foot-tall letters can be read from roughly 1,000-1,200 feet away under good conditions.

When the question came up, YHC naturally looked around for America’s Best and Safety Valve. Unfortunately, both had apparently elected to practice optometry remotely from the comfort of the fart sack.

A 3-foot-tall font would be about 2,500 point.

The blue value in John Deere Yellow (RGB 255,223,0) is 0. Coincidentally, also the number of people asking for additional jump squats.

The PAX learned way more about eyesight and font sizes than Joe Diffie probably intended. Somewhere, Billy Bob is still up on that water tower wondering why nobody ever talks about OSHA.

Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong with the Radio – Aaron Tippin
Plank throughout
5 Merkins whenever something was wrong with the car
5 Donkey Kicks for every “radio”
16 Mountain Climbers for the “16 speakers”
Aaron Tippin spent three and a half minutes describing a vehicle that should have been condemned by the state, but wanted everyone to know the radio worked. Priorities.

Trivia
Modern antennas are typically hidden in the roof, windshield, rear glass, or shark-fin antenna.

Fuel injection replaced carburetors.

There are roughly 2,100 country radio stations in America. Impressively, they all seem capable of playing the same song at the exact same time.

By the end of the song there may not have been anything wrong with the radio, but there was definitely something wrong with everyone’s shoulders.

Queen of My Double Wide Trailer – Sammy Kershaw
SSH throughout and squats during the chorus.
Sammy Kershaw produced a chart-topping love story centered around a double-wide trailer. Today’s country artists write songs about private jets. Draw your own conclusions.

Trivia
Chicken-fried steak traces its roots to Wiener Schnitzel.

Blanche Devereaux’s favorite drink was a Sloe Gin Fizz on The Golden Girls.
Torque wrenches are measured in lb-ft and N-m.

This portion of the workout successfully combined country music, German cuisine, sitcom history, and engineering. Exactly what every PAX expected when they set their alarm for 5 AM.

11s
Merkins on both ends.
Because innovation is overrated.

Bear Crawl Transport
Soundtrack
I’m a Member of a Country Club – Travis Tritt
Straight Tequila Night – John Anderson

I’m a Member of a Country Club played while three grown men bear crawled across a parking lot before sunrise. If that’s what country club membership looks like, dues are surprisingly affordable.

Then came Straight Tequila Night. The song is about making questionable decisions. Appropriately, it was playing while YHC had everyone doing bear-crawl 11s immediately after Chedda Shreda. The theme was consistency.

During the bear crawls, AOL and Duff Man moved across the parking lot with all the grace of a crowded dance floor during Boot Scootin’ Boogie. Nobody looked country. Nobody looked coordinated. Everyone looked tired.

COT
AOL and Duff Man survived a morning of country music, questionable trivia, and unnecessary upper-body work. The no-shows missed a good one. Or maybe they saw Chedda Shreda on the preview and simply made a business decision.

As Brooks & Dunn might say, these boys aren’t ready for neon moons yet.