PAX: A bunch
AO: Stage
By: Paradox
The leaves are changing, the temperature has dropped and your Uncle Ronnie upgraded his no shows to crew socks. All sure signs that it’s fall yall. But one autumnal tradition continues to grow down on the bayou. Capistrano may have there spring swallows, but amongst the settled oaks of west Lafourche parish a different species arrives to herald seasons changed. These beast crawl from honey dappled fields to eat men for breakfast. They cross the northern shore in early gloom without a single pumpkin splice or theragun wacker. Some guard coasts, some guard costas but they still represent our countries Best. Law makers, market shakers, and way more than one or even two vanillis. They came from many backgrounds and experiences , but on this day they all came together to be brothers keepers.
Duke get the footage and that bean recipe! …let’s hear from our sponsors …A reminder that Digestive Health is here for repercussions of family bean recipes . (Thanks GI Joe)
Pax assembled into well oiled machines for the pre BK team setup. Goose led the station crew, a mix of grizzled veterans and 2.0s still trying to get the hang of “that’s what she said” jokes, while YHC stayed to supervise solicited and unsolicited late team donations .(Im obligated to pause here and randomly select a major sponsor)- @Advanced Eye Institute. Corneal Tatoos 50 percent off till Christmas. Watch your step out there! ..ok back to the program…
The usual sizing up of competition took place with quibbles about the expansive construction in Gooses neighborhood and which grass one would yark upon when they saw YJs Apollo Ohnos.
We headed to the stage for further warmups, rules explanations and regretful inseams.
The general layout is a 1 hour, two man team race with 20 exercise stations interspersed on a roughly 1 mile loop. Each station has 3 levels for points.
Bronze (10)
Silver (15)
Gold (25)
A few point wrinkles were added last year to stoke the competitive (and charitable) fires and maybe give a new edge for those of us who don’t show up in 50k shape as an fng.
– FNG points for both bringing AND racing with a friendly new guy.
– team donation points from the race sign up site. These required teams to create there team and text all those ppl from Facebook in their aunties boo ray table . 10 points would be rewarded per $100 raised.
– This in turn has created two coveted Titles, one for the overall fitness (race points only) and another overall for points with unlimited donations for points. I’m now obligated to stop and tell you to stop squinting without your cheaters!! “realize eyes realize real lies…head over to Mitchell Family Eye care for all your optometry needs” (please don’t ask Dr Lisa why one of the doctors is behind on charting , we all wanna see Free Solo IV.)
After setup and caffeination all that was left was teaming up and getting after it.
Team Breakdowns :
Maneater/Honesuckle
They say hallmark is running out of ideas for holiday movies but have they tried matching up the mysteriously employed government astronaut with a crocodile Dundee remake?? After a meetcute parking lot startup and an early campaign of AI driven hype this team had all the intangibles going. Honesuckle also used our creative little circuit as a 5k warmup and Maneater kept asking for his golf cart transport sponsors exemption. Strong start.
Goose/Pope
The old bull, the young calf. The sheer cardio and tenacity of this duo keeps YHC up at night to re check morning alarm clocks.
Surely they were on the locker room board for Northshore as the team to beat. The “Pope being a stud” news is fully out and right besides those 2026 college letters will be invites from men for BK ‘26.
Jackknife/Coyote
Jack Yote, Yote Knife. I can’t seem to put this together without making an exercise infomercial. Just 3 easy payments of your momma jokes and mischief.
YJ/Teravsnilli
YJ continues to be an F5 tornado of pax incidents and today was no different. (Coverage later)
….After a messy breakup with Ronnie, YJ needed a sweet rebound girl and you guessed it..one vanilli was never enough. TV saw the financial opportunities and for once I now have a pax in my corner agreeing that Money laundering is the new GoFundMe.
Wet Tap/Safety Valve
Dependable, award-winning, Low end torque….wait that’s an F150 commercial…*shuffles notes*
What happens when a genetically bred rhino has the financial backing of a Nigerian prince :
Wet Valve…yea I said it.
Butt Splice/ Bushwhacker
Every year Goose describes some new Northshore terror that is coming our way. “Built on iron burpees in the frigid lake winters of Mandeville…..” Then the nicest most jovial and respectful men walk out of a mid sized SUV’s and shake hands. In the background Goose is shaking his head and mouthing “they will destroy you”.
Narrator voice*: Goose was right.
AB/Popeye
In 1994 Nirvana, SoundGarden and Alice In Chains made a secret album. An LP sooo grungy it was not fit for human ears. It was buried deep in Seattle and now millennials sit above it and pretend to know what a cortado is. The hit single “Don’t get Meta in my Tarsal” got loose on Napster and legends say one listen will have you limping ….
…That album is called American Popeye.
YHC/Gecko
Pure unbridled reptilian instincts and testosterone. We take off the weight vests half way through.
Uncle Kracker/ Pinewood/ Cochran
A trio of “I’m not sure if these are the guys I see at Church”/ “Thibodaux is getting weird after their website expansion”/ and “I hope they forgot my F3 name”
These 3 men bravely linked up for some solid grinding and likely a lot of on the job training.
The teams were set and barely had time to quibble over rules before the whistle blew and they strode headlong into sweet waters and rich loops of pain.
Notes:
– No surprise by now that Popeye had some weakness leave his body in the form of a broken foot but I’ll break down how the news spread:
Pope: Hey , I think Pop is really hurt.
YHC: What level are we taking here , did someone mislabel Christopher Crosss as light rock in his presence? Or was he hit by a truck?
Pope: *peering across the field with his young elf eyes.*
No he’s definitely limping.
YHC: is he grimacing or is he mocking YJ?
Pope: He’s doing something strange I have never seen him do. He’s using words to express physical pain…
YHC: get the chopper
Well something like that.
By this point there are numerous versions of the incident we know as YankleGate but these are the facts recorded from Thibodaux PD:
7:46am YJ smashed Pops foot with a coupon after a dispute about first placing then withdrawing a laugh emoji in GroupMe.
~Multiple witnesses reported him yelling “For Priussss” when he struck the victim ”
Facts only
*Update : Pops foot is surgically repaired, he’s healing up and we are all out of jokes involving the word screw.
Da finish:
1st Place Fitness :
Butt Whacker
-continuing a proud 4 year tradition of Northshore victory (atleast in the fitness category)
1st place Overall :
SafetyTap
-trophy on the mantle and platinum on the tailgate.
Two years straight for Valve.
Momma always said money couldn’t buy happiness. But I guess she’s never seen the BK500 trophy.
Count off
Name off
(I don’t think we did either)
And Big Honk prayed us out
(We did remember this )
As of November 1 we had eclipsed just over $8000 to support the nonprofit Brothers Keepers of the Bayou region. Helping men and women with a hand up in a time of need.
Top work gentlemen.
A Dox of Chocolates:
Every year when we prep for BK (and really any F3 charitable cause with this crew) I’m reminded of my favorite scene in the movie “The Town”.
Ben Affleck:
I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is , you can never ask me about it later and we are gonna hurt some people.
Jeremy Renner: Who’s car are we gonna take?
Obviously without premeditated asssault we essentially live this scene with our F3 crew each year.
We have a group in need , a dumb idea, no great way to explain it and not much time to reflect on it. Just have to trust that God put a mission in front of us asks for faith and trust.
Could have asked a million questions, got worked up, overthought it or let fear creep in..
Instead, with no hesitation.
The Pax of Thibodaux reply :
Who’s truck we taking ?
SYITG
Dox