PAX: AB, SV, HS, Goose, Tap
AO: Stage
By: Paradox
Since the dawn of time immemorial man has searched out the fires of competition. Across ages and millennia you can give two fellas free time and a rock and quicker than you can say Quibble they are competing to drop kick it end over end through uprights of life. Increase the stakes a little, add imaginary train tracks and rules by a friend (authoritarian dictator) and you can get an unimaginable melee of gluteal injuries (some even physical). So it’s easy to see that being the first to reach a simple geographical point like the Southernmost point on the Earth might be a worthy goal. Add in national pride and the machismo of the great age of exploration and you get the legendary Race to the South Pole….
Duke! Hurry with that bean Footage , I’m freezing my Grand Tetons off!
6 pax assembled in a bayou wind chill of 25 degrees and local news waited outside of Enrons house to see if he would step out with pants to herald 6 more weeks of winter. YHC nearly smuffocated on the forced march in after realizing it was 5:14a halfway across the loop. Luckily safety valve was there to support my body positive clothing..setting the tone for a morning full of verbal hugs amd warm wishes.
We got directly into standard warmups as Wet Tap arrived undettered by 9000 unrecognized Merkins on Saturday.
Mosey to the Corner where our race begins.
The year is 1911.
Ronald Reagan was born , Marie Curie was tomahawk dunking on Science and Teravanilli was attending the first Indy 500. The age of exploration was in its glorious swan song as few prized locations remained untred upon, leading to a fierce global battles for the planting of flags.
On December 14, 1911 Roald Amundsen (disappointingly not the guy that wrote Matilda) and a small crew were the first to reach the South Pole, leaving a Norwegian flag and record of their triumph. Tragically Robert Falcon Scott’s Terra Nova expedition arrived 1 month later and he and his team perished on the way out. It remains a take tale of heroic victory, effective leadership and devastating loss. YHC, having been a recent victim of unrecognized hardships on a long train journey, thought it would be a fine tale to remember on this frigid morning.
Race for the Pole
YHC split the pax down the middle right where we stood and ended with both teams having equal parts Wiley veteran, muscular grunt and Eyecare primadonna.
Team Merica (HS, AB, Goose) vs Team F3 (yHC, Tap, SV) would race for the Stage Pole by facing 3 ck point stations and being responsible for 3 coups, their flag, one frostbitten man w no legs (must be partner dragged) and ABs personal supply of Advil.
F3 Historians uncovered their personal team camp diaries and we will reveal them now in a world premiere backblast exclusive.
*Please skip ahead if you lack intestinal fortitude or have any underlying cultural sensitivities.
Checkpoint 1
Goblet Squat
Team America
Captain Goose:
This is to be my finest hour. A lifetime of work to be the first man to shart on all 7 continents. Blessed to have my champion snow dogs with me. I know Honey will do most of the cardio and carry the team but ole Best has earned his glory too. Our shartxpeditions to Indochina would not have been successful without using his prosthetic hips as a flotilla.
Captain Tap : morale is high, Dox seems confident he has exploited his own rules enough and will carry the coupons in 14 different configurations. It looks like Valve has his earplugs in but his production hasn’t lagged so we’ll just keep going. We can still see the other team but it appears one of the dogs is using a concerning anti aging performance elixir. I fear the other pup will be put down soon.
Checkpoint 2
OHP
HS: Deep down I know I’m a good boy but the captain keeps sending me back to fetch that coupon. Oh well, a fine morning for running.
sV: Can my old TA even do math?! How did he think we would beat them like this ?! Tap is a gorilla and dox is like carrying a pile of lead spaghetti. I gotta get back on the Q sheet.
Checkpoint 3
Thrusters
AB: I feel a comforting sensation of being so far ahead in a competition that ive gotten bored. Well Captain Goose said we were going for a “special ride” after this and I wouldn’t need my hip creams anymore so I got that going for me.
YHC:
Thrusters….
I’m down to one last breath.
All is lost.
Desolation is upon us due to my hubris of coupon carrying configurations.
Valve just submitted to the blizzard and Wet Tap has snow blindness and is now doing deadlifts in Beau Porches garage.
If you find this …write my children… tell them to go to the Alabama Buc-ee’ beef jerky aisle 7 and get the Bohemiam garlic…fed ex 1 day it to TeraVanilli and tell him I failed but to carry on the mission.
The rest of the diary is unintelligible ramblings mixed with sparse references to “check the tailgate “. We now know that Team America planted their flag in victory and a search party for team F3 was never even discussed.
They counted and prayed and went about their day as heroes.
“Adventure is just bad planning”
– Roald Amundsen
SYITG
Dox