PAX: Goose, Valve, Pope, AB, HS, Enron
AO: Stage
By: Paradox
*Soft winters music plays
You know Dasher and Prancer and AB and Suckle.
Comet and Goosey , young Pope and Enruckle…
But do you recall…
The most grievanced pax of all..
**upscaling piano riff
Valvedolph the red assed mud gear !
Had a very shiny truck
And if you ever saw it
You would think your own truck blows (like a Rivian)
All of the other Ford trucks
Used to laugh and call him names (like Ford Ranger)
They never let poor Valvedolph
Join in the Festivus games
Then one foggy lens appeared
Santa (legally blind) came to say
“Valvedolph with your truck so tight
Won’t you restore my sight tonight ? “
Then all the ford trucks loved him
As they shouted out with glee (hoot hoot)
Valvedolph the redbutt mudgearrrrr…
You’ll go down in Paxstory!!!!
Duke get the footage
It’s a Festivus miracle !!
There were 7 pax at the Stage who had had enough of the hustle and bustle of this season. Disillusioned by the Coca Cola Christmas , distracting tinsel and low strength ratio trees. Fed up with watered down holiday platitudes, judgement free zone gyms , and 7.99/month apps just so some chump can tell you to eat a vegetable. What’s a man to do !? Should we rain blows on another man when we both come across the last Christmas coupon at Lowe’s? Is there no escape from this joyful marketing tyrant??
Thankfully America’s Best had laid the groundwork for a better way. Today we celebrate the Frank Costanza spirit of ignoring the glitter and letting your quibbles be known loud and proud…
Welcome to Festivus
YHC contemplated the foundations of Festivus and came to the conclusion that an annual (maybe quarterly , for our crew) event of the airing of grievances could be very therapeutic. To follow customary Festivus guidelines however, we needed an established Head of Household as Festivus can only end when the HoH has been pinned. Now for leadership purposes we all know our HoH the Honkmaster is Nantan 4 lyfe . And while he’s not one to shy away from an aired grievance YHC thought it prudent to open up the Festivus Maximus position to all the middle managers. Thus the Festivus games were born. YHC would set the Festivus challenges in front of the men then select the champion amongst them. No frilly points. No x boards.
Just a pure merit based grievance Olympics.
Like most complex processes, it was best introduced in song form:
“Festivus Games” by Sunos
We held plank and merkins on “Festivus” and “rest of us”
Sunos is a hell of a drug.
Next up …
The Pole Run
Indian Run with 5 Festivus Squats for the last man drop off.
It was during this time we witnessed our first festivus miracle. The miracle of crystal clear communication. Like many miracles we (or prolly just YHC ) did not understand the importance of the message . It came in the form of messenger now known as Bike man.
We began running on the loop confident Goose had found his usual Tour de Oaks track and we would see him later.
Bike man zoomed by: Tractor!
Strange. I swear people have so many political axes these days.
Anyway , Pope got into the spirit early with his first complaint in 18 years when YHC asked what took so long and he critiqued that 5 reps were not realistic. Ouch…
Bike man (now at impossible speeds) : Tractor!!
We called the cops and continued running.
AB, who stays in Festivus shape year round, had 94 quibbles about the Stoichemetric make up of my Festivus pole. Clearly none of his Business but again we were interrupted.
Bike man: TRACTOR!
Gosh ya know, I hope Goose is okay with this maniac on the loose.
We continued to enjoy the fine Festivus weather.
Bike man : *Fading in the distance as police lights approached
TRActorrrrrrr!!!
YHC: anyone seen goose ? Getting worried.
We moved on hoping that Bike man would one day find peace like volcano man and triangle man before him. thoughts and prayers.
Back at the Stage:
Feats of Greivance
It was time for the main event.
First we would throw our coupon and while lunge walking to it we would air our grievances to the world (men’s open) then we would dial in the frustration and cheddar shred each other to pieces. (Mens medley). Finally we would burn out with a bleep test to see who could find grievances even as the bodies cells shut down one by one. (Mens sprint)
*No man would be dubbed festivus Maximus without showing out in the Grievance events although the entire years work would be considered.
They would be scored on 5 criteria:
1. Willingness to hurt a friend
2. Razor sharp honesty (extra points if it’s funny)
3. Hypocrisy
4. Willingness to see a problem in every solution
5. Pessimistic facial expressions.
Let’s go to the post analysis scoring report from YHC:
Enruckle:
A day trading grumbler whose specializes in deep cuts and F150 hierarchy. Dangerous when fully healthy but the physical injuries have added way too much humility. He had a few choice words for other financial establishments in the open event. Showed promise in the medley by taking calculated shots at earning potentials but flamed out early in the sprint. Being somewhat guarded in his conservative approach may have cost him points overall. A strong ‘26 contender if triggered by rival fiduciaries.
Enruckle Overall Score : 75
Pope :
A newcomer with little to no experience in the complaint department. Quite the opposite he spends his day job keeping peace amongst the warring tribes of Dawsonia. We were hopeful he had launched a verbal attack on EnRuckle during the Mens medley but alas it was just a plea to do merkins faster so he could get in more reps. Goose, please get this kid in the grievance gym and show him how to make a man feel inferior. He gives us too much hope for a better tommorow.
Overall Score : 0.1
HS: A seasoned Veteran of many zoom meetings that could have been emails, he’s no stranger to a public grievance. Even showing his altruistic greivance capacity during LionGate as he battled the city of Thibodaux. King of the silent grievances though, and many were sent up regarding there being no one to push him physically. Mostly his issue is with our Creator only giving him one body to optimize. We will have to put a humility event on the books I guess. That combination of physical dominance and non judgement silence is unsettling.
Overall Score : 70 (also his Vo2max)
Now we come down to the true contenders…
Goose: A perennial all star in the grievance department. This man fears no optimist. He let the pax have several lashings about lack of blasting , absence of cadence and overall poor judgement in art. Extra points in the hypocrisy category as he sports a dismal .268 art score. Further admiration given for open grievances with his own blood about scholarships. He even weathered several pointed jabs about his own weight. Ultimately, like any good job interview answer, his weakness were his strength and he could not cut every man all the way down and still lead us effectively. A true Festivus martyr.
Overall Score : 90
AB: Surely the early favorite in betting circles. This old nag loves the slop. We listen to his grievances all year and in all mediums: Beatdowns, hoots, music, match day quibbles. Definitely a 5 tool grievancer. He has a problem with you people and he takes pride in you knowing. He even had extra points for cringe subway jokes. Perfect 10s in most categories but in the end he could not close the gap on our champion in the “Willingness to hurt a man” category….365 days of spite revenge should get the job done though. He’ll be ready in ‘26, as soon as he finds his stapler (gift cards).
Overall score: 94 (a fine year)
Valvedolph:
You ever watch a kid find the sport that he’s naturally gifted at? He looks around wondering why others can’t throw a fast ball or dunk ? He has trouble explaining his God given gifts….That’s what we witnessed today men. Valvedolph in the midst of his element, pitching a perfect grievanced game. He led with an opener to Ronnie so veiled it would only hurt weeks later as Ronnie realizes he was actually asking him to stop yapping during warmups. He continued his methodical delivery to each man’s core flaw, looking them in the eyes and sending rocket launchers like “you’re fat”, “low quality pre-op exams” , “talk too much” , “don’t talk enough” and everyone’s form was called into question. He simply cannot be pleased. He even topped it off with questions to YHC about not being prepared with enough battery in JBL. Pure artistry of grievances on top of a strong body of work this year while breaking men in half and leaving the stage littered with bodies only to ask “are you not entertained?”
Gentleman …
I present to you
your 2025 Festivus Maximus:
Safety Valve
May God have mercy on our souls when he returns with the Golden Throne.
We counted , prayed and felt overall lighter as the toxic grievances faded into the fog.
Here’s a Dox of Christmas Chocolates
Today take a reflection from CS Lewis. Surely he was a previous Festivus Maximus recipient , as he had little fear in airing theological grievances and solving them with masterpieces of literature.
Here’s an Excerpt From “Miracles” :
“The central miracle asserted by Christians is the Incarnation. They say that God became Man. Every other miracle prepares for this, or exhibits this, or results from this.”
“Thus, as we accept this doctrine of the higher world we make new discoveries about the lower world. It is from that hill that we first really understand the landscape of this valley. Here, at last, we find (as we do not find either in the Nature religions or in the religions that deny Nature) a real illumination:
Nature is being lit up by a light from beyond Nature. Someone is speaking who knows more about her than can be known”
Our challenge is to look for what God is illuminating in the miracles he has entrusted us with:
Our families, our vocations , our gifts.
Locate them , confirm them and lean into them.
He’ll provide for the rest of us.
Have a Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.
SYITG
Dox