PAX: Maneater, Jacknife, Roxbury, America’s Best, Enron, Lil’ Cuz, Safety Valve

AO: The Peltch

By: Maneater

Mission: Touch Football
Pax: Jacknife, America’s Best, Safety Valve, Honey Suckle, Lil’ Cuz, Roxbury, Enron

The gloom was thick, the dew was heavy, and the excuses were already flowing as YHC stepped up to Q a high-intensity F3 touch football beatdown.

What started as “just a little touch football” quickly turned into a full-blown NFL tryout with significantly less athleticism, questionable play-calling, and absolutely no concussion protocol.

YHC put the PAX through their paces with a Warmarama: SSH, Willy Mays Hays, Tie Fighters, Imperial Walkers, and Butt Kicks

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: JACKNIFE

The prestigious Rookie of the Year award went to the solidly 5’10” Jacknife, who put on a route-running clinic.

Jacknife was cutting, juking, and finding open space like he had spent his entire life studying the playbook.

For a rookie, his route-running was impressive.

For a guy who is approximately 5’10”, it was even more impressive mostly because nobody could figure out how someone that compact could somehow keep getting behind the defense.

The scouting report is officially in:

Jacknife — fast feet, sharp routes, questionable vertical reach.

The NFL Combine has been notified.

MVP: ROXBURY

The MVP award, proudly sponsored by AARP and Rascal Scooters went to the veteran of the group, Roxbury.

Roxbury proved that experience beats youth, wisdom beats athleticism, and apparently the body can still function after several brutal decades of financial advising.

He ran routes, made plays, and generally demonstrated the kind of veteran savvy you’d expect from someone who remembers when football helmets were made of leather, phones were attached to walls, and cheerleaders wore hoop skirts.

AARP’s official statement:

“We are proud to sponsor Roxbury’s MVP award and encourage him to take his recovery seriously.”

Roxbury’s response:

“I’ll recover when I’m dead.”

THE INTERCEPTION DEPARTMENT (Sponsored by Mitchell Family Eyecare)

America’s Best apparently interpreted “throw it to your teammate” as more of a general suggestion.

As passes found defenders instead, resulting in interceptions that were proudly sponsored by Mitchell Family Eye Care.

Because when America’s Best throws an interception, you don’t ask:

“Who was open?”

You ask:

“Did you get your eyes checked recently?”

Not to be outdone, Safety Valve (who only sponsors when it buys points) also contributed to the Mitchell Family Eye Care program with an interception—or two—of his own.

“See the field. See the defender. Maybe don’t throw it directly to him.”

THE ENRON FINANCIAL NETWORK

Meanwhile, Enron apparently arrived with a little outside funding for the operation through his company, Shady Investment Company™.

Rumor has it the entire game was actually a sophisticated money-laundering scheme designed to funnel questionable funds for the one man conspicuously absent from the field:

Paradox’s post game statement:
“At some point the non profit racquet started to attract attention. Football sponsorship seems like the next logical method.”

Enron denied everything, naturally.

His official statement:

“I have no knowledge of any touchdown, interception, investment, or financial transaction.”

Both SEC has been notified.

FINAL ASSESSMENT.

Jacknife earned Rookie of the Year honors with some slick route running.

Roxbury took home the AARP-sponsored MVP award by proving that experience, and possibly a well-maintained knee brace, can still get the job done.

Honey Suckle and Lil’ Cuz brought the hustle, while America’s Best and Safety Valve kept Mitchell Family Eye Care’s sponsorship department fully funded.

Honorable mention goes to the actual football for somehow getting slipperier as the game progressed. Regarding the football, All star QB, Lil’ Cuz, was heard to say, “My favorite word to describe the football would be inappropriate.” As the reporter walked away, He could be heard repeatedly yelling out a word starting with C…..repeatedly.

No injuries. No refunds. No financial records survived.

SYITG!