PAX: Wet Tap, Goose, Pope, Honeysuckle, Popeye, Safety Valve, Maneater
AO: Lions Den
By: Paradox
A few months ago Wet Tap unearthed an unsightly monster from the F3 dark web that is known as a black diamond Q. Logically YHC followed down this rabbit hole with no regard for time management or personal safety and I was lost for several weeks. It’s a cold dark place but one beatdown amongst them stood out to YHC as a very clever team building exercise camouflageed in the heat of a simulated bomb squadron. I bookmarked it for a rainy day. Now you may be asking yourself if such a group of well adjusted HIMs like ourselves really even needs team building or unity exercises ? Well…I’m glad you asked…
Let’s hack into Gooses HR email inbox real quick for a look:
From: Bru Swells
Subject: HC if 90s Grunge, the rest can burn
Cc: Men born before 1980
(It’s been 3 days , reply?)
From Valve
Subject: HC if we only use telepathy to communicate
Cc: ppl who want to exercise
(It’s been 5 days , reply?)
From Lil Cuz
Subject: RE: HC…at Planet Fitness , it smells better and they always compliment beards
CC: Dumbledore
(It’s been 6 months , reply?)
From Maneater
Subject : I still haven’t healed from the Olivia Newton John trauma
Cc: White Meat
(It’s been a year, reply? )
Yup, pretty much Kumbaya and rainbows right?
It goes on like that for a few pages. (Sorry to expose your inbox Goose but the pax need to know your burden and I deleted that Brazilian butt lift receipt, we know it’s not naturally buddy)
Needless to say but YHC thought we could kinda use a shared beatdown enemy and I went to work.
Duke ! Roll that beautiful footage pup!
YHC moseyed into a soggy civic center lawn to find a light but ready crew loitering in the mist. Only the hardest scrabbled souls seek out the rigors of a rain beatdown and these men were ready to outwork USPS and smile doing it. A missed rain beatdown has my highest degree of FOMO, thoughts and prayers for the fartsacks.
It was go time and Wet Tap had that Lieutenant Dan look in his eye but lightning spread across the gloomseveral times during the exchanging of pleasantries and YHC thought it best we proceed under a roofed domicile.
{Section 4.78niner of the Goose Thib rule book says “Tempting pax with lightning strikes is only allowed during extended Holy Week beatdowns where Goose questions your entire life.}
Rules are rules.
We proceeded to the combination warmup hut and lightning bell with a mosey and all agreed that Dr Mitchell must be across town using the weather to harness 1.21 gigawatts so he could travel back to a more musically agreeable period.
While working on the usuals we picked up strayValve and Eater to complete the 8 pax total that YHC used to calculate reps today. (God truly works in mysterious ways)
The Bomb Squad works like this :
Pax Mission: Defuse the Bomb
Achieved this by cutting all wires and providing the bomb code in under 8 minutes OR detonation.
Red Wire : 100 Hulk Smashes (completed as a group in sets of 10)
Blue Wire : Blue Xs on board with specific exercise. Completed as a group in sets of 10. There a few.
Both Red and Blue have a short mosey palate cleanser in between each.
Green Wire :
Rifle hold or Specialty Free throws.
Bomb Code: captains select a pax to run back to the flag to get bomb code trivia. If they get this correct solo then 3xs removed.
If bomb is defused we go to the next bomb.
If it detonates…Thrusters.
**codes at the bottom for those playing along at home
The Bombs:
Bomb # 1
Blue: 700 Merkins
Red: 100 Hulk Smash
Code Clue:
***
(The Year is 1981)
Who can you turn to Jenny?
The number is on the wall.
The number for a good time…
You got it!
But what is that number?
***
Bomb #2
500 curls
100 HS
***
You have a structured annuity.
But your cash flow is urgently low!
It’s your money, and you need it NOW!
What number should you call ?
***
BOMB #3
Blue 500 Bobbie Harley’s
Red: 100 HS
Green: 10 FT, Rifle Hold
Bomb Code Clue:
***
We built This City
DeLorean
Superbowl Shuffle
Live Aid
***
*Spoiler alert :
We did not survive till bomb 4 but here it is:
Bomb 4
500 OHP plus all the other stuff
Clue :
N64 Snowboarding
Minus
Tony Hawk first to do this
Minus
Nick Lachey Band
Minus Freddy Krueger Day
Equals ?
CODES :
1.) 867-5309
2.) 877-CASHNOW
3.) 1985
4.) 69 (nice) – I was in 7th grade , forgive me
(1080-900-98-13 = 69)
We wrapped up our 3 bomb eval and moseyed back to the flag area.
Announced:
BK500 hype is growing. Get on the board !
COT and Goose prayed us out
Post Dox Analysis
Well that was the work, but I think it best if I sum up the actual user experience with a common psychological framework aided by our ever handy f3MRI scanner to access pax brain waves :
The 5 stages of Defusing Bombs
(And sometimes Death/Grief)
Buzzer sounds …
8 minutes left
Stage 1 DENIAL
YHC: Feeling good , looking good. We got this .
SV: That’s a lot of X’s .
Goose: Silently reflects* (this will get much harder but I can’t break there spirit …yet)
Wet Tap: (Enter Sandman plays on loop)
Popeye: My forehead is fine, why did YJ even say that man?
Pope : Is this still the warmup?
Maneater : Let’s Get Physical
HS: No big whoop.
Tick, Tick, Tick
5 minutes left
Stage 2 ANGER
Tap: Why don’t you just leave the black diamonds to me Dox.
HS : He’s getting less honey this year.
Maneater : I thought there would be 3 Doors Down today.
Popeye: insert snide comment about military training
Pope: Heart rate approaching 65, ok prolly out of warmup now…I think. Why do the others breathe heavy.
Tick…Tick…Tick
4 minutes
Stage 3
BARGAINING
Goose : Forget the free throws man! someone smash the hulk!
SV: No more pre-ops man , it’s not worth this ok.
HS: *performs superbowl shuffle hoping to get Xs removed
Popeye: hey dox , Maybe next time just print an old Q and move on man.
Wet Tap: This is barely even dark grey diamond bro.
Honeysuckle : I wish Garmin tracked my 80s knowledge.
Tick…tick …tick
90 seconds (Depression)
Pope: I’m beginning to perspire , how strange a sensation.
Maneater: is this sweat or rain? Who cares.
Goose: Welcome to Curmedgeonville suckas, I’m the mayor.
SV: that’s still a lot of Xs man
Pope: This is an extraordinary cardiovascular experience.
Honeysuckle : Starting to be a noticeable whoop.
TICK
30 seconds left
The Final Stage
ACCEPTANCE
Goose: *seeing 150 Hurley Xs left, knowing the detonation is unavoidable
.. it’s not looking great guys, but finish strong. We trained to do hard things.
Time to square things up if you need to but don’t stop.
Safety Valve : clears throat
So many Xs…so many cataracts …This is it Dox….I really bought the platinum the same week as your truck. Gotta get that off my chest.
We had a good run man.
Your yard inflatable looks great.
Maneater : tell my family I went down swinging gents …and umm put this VHS copy of Grease in White Meats mail box.
HS: there’s too many hurleys, see yall on the other side. Send my finances to the Ladies 5ks of America.
Wet Tap: *left for “emergent gallbladder”
Tick …tick
15 seconds
Popeye:
*looks left, looks right
*sheds the very first tear of his life
*whispers …
You guys are my friends.
*A silence descends on the pax astonished by the revelation of his emotional depth.
Tick, tick, tick
5 seconds
The rain fell.
Tick
The hurleys continued with poor form.
Tick
2 seconds ..
They closed their eyes and waited on death.
A bright flash
But strangely no pain.
Only silence.
The ticking had stopped and the timer read 1.21 seconds.
America’s Best stood before them.
Behind him ,on the Lions Den court stood the DeRivian with smoke billowing around it.
AB: Great Scott Dox! I did it! I went back to 1994!!
(Our minds raced.
What could he have done.
Cured disease , invested the F3 foundation in Apple , stopped war, pack sandwiches for lollapalooza and end world hunger? )
No.
He pulled a Polaroid from his pocket and held it up.
In the grainy shot, Scott Stapp stood beside TI and Kid Rock.
But slowly, slowly Scott Stapp started to disappear. Until finally, down to one last breath, he was deleted from the picture and the universe all at once.
YHC crumbled in despair.
AB nodded and flashed his signature grin, whispering
“Look at this photograph”
And that’s when we realized it …
Maneater was gone too.
SYITG
Dox
To be Continued