PAX: Paradox, Wet Tap, Honeysuckle, Maneater, Teravanilli, Goose, Pope, Jackknife, Duke

AO: The Peltch

By: Goose

A foul wind blew over Peltier Station as the railroad gang gathered at the loading dock. YHC was setting the stage at the Dome for what would prove to be one of the fiercest emotional, legal, intellectual, and physical battles of our time. A semi-disturbing meme and a familiar board game was all the PAX had to go on as they moseyed to warmup under the echo chamber that would be ground zero.

After a warmup of the usuals, the PAX gathered around the Ticket to Ride board and assumed what appeared to be a listening posture as YHC went through the simple instructions. The PAX then assumed what appeared to be an understanding posture, so YHC moved forward with assigned the teams.

Maneater and Vanilli were just beginning to take comfort in their potential companionship as “Team Caboose” when YHC decided to even things out by splitting them up and pairing Maneater with Suckle and Vanilli with YHC. Pope took the two 2.0’s, which left Paradox and Wet Tap to form the only power couple. YHC said something like, “It wouldn’t be very much fun if you guys just dominated everyone. Consider the value of the community.” Or, maybe it was, “Just don’t be assholes.” I can’t remember. Either way, I saw bloodlust in their eyes, and their pecs began trembling with the anticipation of crushing their opponents.

As soon as YHC fired up Bose’, it became clear that this train would not stay on the tracks for very long. Maneater grabbed about six cards, and he and Honeysuckle started throwing them at Jackknife to see which ones stuck in his hair. The rest, they tore up, and they strew the tiny pieces amidst the grasses around the Dome. Dox and Tap did about ten merkins and then opened their bag of train cars and began dumping them onto the board chanting “Points! Points! Look at dem points!”

YHC and Vanilli started by trying to vary things up a bit for a balanced workout, but we quickly discovered that this was not sustainable. As it turned out, step-ups, murder bunnies, and Peter-Parker-Peters take a long time and are exhausting; whereas, merkins and American Hammers take a fraction of the time and could usually be chosen over the other options given the layout of the board. A look of despair began to creep into Vanilli’s eyes every time we looked at the board and realized we had another 80-150 reps of one or the other to split. But, the fire of competition kept the seasoned Diesel pushing through. Either that, or he was just half conscious and didn’t have the energy to argue.

YHC noticed that Pope was cranking out almost all the reps while Duke and Jackknife discussed the finer points of Cybertronian culture. Pope would finish and say something like, “Good job team! Let’s put our trains on the…shoot! Who took the track already!” Meanwhile, Dox and Tap had run out of trains and were digging for other colors. And, Suckle and Maneater had taken a chunk of cinder block and were scratching out their own tracks on the board to get around the piles of Dox/Tap trains.

YHC turned around to tell Vanilli that we had 400 more hammers, but he was lying flat on his back mumbling something about Mr. Topham Hat and how those old steamers think they’re so great. Pope tried to place more trains, but someone had put an entire coupon on the board. When he asked the group about it, Dox said something like, “That’s for the gray tracks. We did 17 Peter-Pumpkin-Eaters.” Suckle and Maneater had picked more cards and were building a bridge out of them to get their trains over the coupon.

Once time was up and YHC re-explained the scoring process, he was met with accusations of changing the rules, gerrymandering, nepotism, simony, rascalism, and malpractice. Pope had only placed half a box car, Tap and Dox had placed 160 trains but somehow had only actually finished three tracks, and Suckle and Maneater claimed to have collected enough cards to make an attack on Chicago. YHC explained that it wasn’t that kind of game and showed how he and Vanilli had merkin/hammered their way to victory. In the absence of America’s Best, the PAX could only offer general complaints. Suspicions of foul play, and the resentment of uncredited efforts hung thick in the air like steamy body heat in a covered pavilion. Vows of revenge and of never playing another board game were mixed with more of Nilli’s half-conscious Thomas the Train references. I told Nilli that he was a very useful engine today despite all the confusion and delay, and hopefully his new Vin Diesel pecs and abs will motivate him to continue his posting streak.

COT happened in the Dome, though the announcements of Maneater’s 40th birthday back in June (YHC’s brain may have been over-hammered) and prayers for the seriously ill didn’t distract much from the various feelings of having been wronged. YHC’s 4th foray into the F3 railroad world may have finally convinced him that it’s time to leave that particular board game on the shelf…But, then again, what is F3 Thibodaux without butt-hurt fueled schisms feeding the fires of the kind of unity that only meaningless division can forge?

See You on the Rails,

Goose