PAX: Paradox, Enron, Lil Cuz, Maneater, Jack Knife, Roxbury, Popeye, Safety Valve, Honeysuckle, America's Best

AO: The Pelch, 08/22/2026

By: America's Best

This beatdown was built like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Teams of 2. At each stop, the team will be presented with two choices, each with an exercise. After completing the chosen path, the team flips up the flap to see the consequence of what they chose.
Once you lift the flap, you are committed to that choice. You cannot change your mind after seeing what is underneath.
However, you can change sides before lifting the flap. So choose wisely—and use your poker face. Once you see what is underneath, don’t give the competition any clues about whether they just made the right or wrong decision.
The Coupon Rule
Whenever you are instructed to MOT, you must bring your coupon with you.
For example, if the instruction says bear crawl, you may either:
● Bear crawl while carrying the coupon.
● Bear crawl there, leave the coupon, and return for it.
The important thing is that the coupon comes with you everywhere.
If You Die:
There is only one option: return to the Flag and start the adventure over.

START: THE FLAG
Your adventure begins at The Flag, the center of the Village. Your village is under attack. A Kracken is being super-annoying and won’t leave you alone until it eats one of your villagers. This is your quest to get it to just go away already.
The first two choices:
Head to the Nets: 10 BBS
(Result: mosey to the volleyball net)
OR
Head for the Hills: 25 Merkins
(Result: mosey to the first backstop)

THE INTERNET VS. THE OUTERNET
You’ve reached the volleyball net and are confronted with your next decision.
Stay and Play: Play volleyball against your partner.
You may proceed once 8 consecutive hits have crossed the net.
But beware: every time the ball hits the ground, both players owe 3 burpees.
(Result: head for the hills- the tube under the hill)
OR
Move On Out: Do 9 burpees and move on.
(Result: Make your way toward the shore/cliffs. MOT: Bear crawl to the first backstop from the net)

CLIFF OF (BEN) DOVER
You’ve reached the base of the cliffs. Unfortunately, the path is blocked by rocks.
How will you clear the way?
Move the Rocks at the Bottom of the Path
47 Curls
OR
Move the Rocks at the Top of the Path
15 Thrusters
Regardless of which path you choose, you must then complete the other exercise before running along the coast toward the…

CLIFFS OF INSANITY
As you arrive at the sheer cliffs along the coast, something enormous crawls from the water.
The Kracken.
You are unarmed. You are trapped. You have only two choices.
Fight the Kracken Without Weapons: 15 Kracken Burpees
Remember: each Kracken Burpee includes 3 hand-release merkins at the bottom, followed by an overhead clap and jump.
(Result: You charge the beast. The Kracken slinks backward into the depths.
Victory- Head to the mountain over the tunnel.
OR
Escape by Climbing the Cliffs: 20 Mountain Climber Merkins
You attempt to free-solo the sheer cliffs.
(Result: You slip. You fall. You idiot. You die. Return to The Flag and start over)

MISTY MOUNTAIN HOP
You arrive at an impassible mountain. There are only two ways through.
Redhorn: Go Over the Mountain: Block and bear over the hill and back.
2 round trips = 4 crossings total.
(Result: run to the jungle gym)
OR
John Henry: Go Under the Mountain: Enter the mines of Moriah Carey and push your coupon through the tunnel.
(Result: The cave collapses, crushing you. Return to The Flag and start over.)

RUN THROUGH THE JUNGLE
You’ve made it to the jungle. The path splits again.
Take the High Road: One partner hangs while the other performs 3 pull-ups/chin-ups. Swap back and forth until both partners have completed 15 reps.
(Result: You swing triumphantly out of the jungle …and straight into uncivilized territory. You are abducted by savages. Proceed to ThunderDome)
OR
Take the Low Road: Find the river and follow it toward civilization.
Complete: 50 Freddy Mercuries + 15 Mike Tyson Merkins
(Result: You fall into quicksand at the river’s edge. You die. Return to The Flag and start over)

BEYOND THUNDERDOME
The savage tribe throws you into ThunderDome to fight to the death.
There are two options.
“Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves”: Pump Jacks
One man performs 5 merkins while the other holds a plank. Then switch.
Complete 10 rounds. That’s 50 merkins each.
OR
“Squerkin Together”: One partner holds the other’s feet at waist height.
The suspended partner performs a merkin while the partner holding the feet performs a squat. Continue until you have completed 20 merkins and 20 squats each.
(Result: The savages avert their eyes from this grotesque display long enough for you to escape. In your escape, you discover the legendary: HARPOON OF GRIFFINDWARF. You emerge from the savage lands and see it:
The Black Gate of Morp(d)orp. The Kracken’s lair. Run to the gate!
GREAT ODIN’S RAVEN!

THE GATE OF MORDORP
You arrive at the Black Gate.
Beneath the thin ice, you see the Kracken sleeping.
You have two final plans.
Sneak Attack: Break through the thin ice and stab the Kracken with the Harpoon of Griffindwarf .
Complete: 20 Pickle Pounders, 10 Kracken Burpees
(Result: You pierce the ice…
…but the Kracken awakens at exactly the wrong moment. It devours you in one bite)
OR
Cut and Run: Skate across the ice, deliberately drawing the Kracken after you.
Your goal is to lure it beneath the thicker ice, where it will become trapped and freeze to death.
Complete: 20 Bonnie Blairs, 20 Apollo Ohnos — 2:1 each
(Result: the plan goes horribly wrong. The Kracken cracks a hole through the thick ice. You fall in. The Kracken eats you as you freeze.

THE END?
There is no easy path through this adventure.
Some choices suck. Some are ridiculous. Some are traps.
And some will send you all the way back to the beginning.
Choose wisely.
And above all…
Choose a good partner. Especially if you are the architect. It’s mentally and physically painful to do 20 mountain climber merkins knowing it will lead to a restart, especially when you’ve already successfully completed this choice once before. Some kids like to read every page, I guess.
2 teams made it to the end. I watched them (from our 2nd or 3rd restart at the flag) deciding to each take one choice… and then they both flipped the final card, revealing that they both died. This was intentional, of course, so that even if anyone finished, they would just go back and start over. I did not anticipate that 2 teams would each discover that both paths there lead to death at the same time. It’s hard to fight that kind of perceived helplessness.
But in the end, either way the village is safe, because the Kracken ate one of the villagers (you).
Hope it was fun.

SYITG,
AB