PAX: Paradox, America’s Best, Popeye, Safety Valve, Roxbury, Maneater, Honeysuckle, Lil’ Cuz, Enron

AO: Goose Den – 8/20/26

By: Enron

*Results may vary. Chips have no monetary value. Apparently neither do trivia points. No actual winners were identified.

Nine PAX arrived this morning for what YHC had advertised as a casino-themed beatdown.

Before the festivities began, America’s Best came through in a moment of true preparedness by popping open the** frunk ** and producing cardboard and a Sharpie so YHC could finish the casino signage.

Apparently the Rivian frunk is where AB keeps all essential emergency supplies: cardboard, markers, probably a portable espresso machine, three charging adapters, and whatever else has overflowed from the bed of Dox’s truck.

With the casino properly labeled, YHC came prepared with cards, trivia, poker chips, and most importantly two comically large LED light-up dice.

It took approximately four seconds for Dox to completely lose interest in the workout and become mesmerized by the dice.

Where did you get those?

How much were they?

Do they come in different colors?

Are they rechargeable?

And just like that, two oversized pieces of plastic had rocketed to the top of the Paradox Amazon Wish List, where they will presumably remain until formal review and approval by the M. Godspeed.

Warmarama

We began with:

* SSH
* Willie Mays Hayes
* Tie Fighters
* Self Love
* Popeye Stretches

A second miracle also occurred prior to Warmarama:

Safety Valve was on time.

Not “Safety Valve on time,” meaning pulling into the parking lot during warmups.

Actually on time.

Even more shocking, Valve participated in SSH, which YHC believes may be the first documented occurrence of this in F3 Thibodaux history.

For several seconds, it appeared we were witnessing real personal growth.

Then Valve positioned the flags perpendicular to one another and ruined the whole damn thing.

One step forward. Two flags sideways.

It was also during Popeye Stretches that Dox revealed one of his remaining unmet F3 goals: to someday have a warmup exercise named after him.

Apparently he has been quietly workshopping new stretches for years in pursuit of this honor.

Goose, while no longer physically present, was then spiritually summoned to remind everyone that these experimental warmups were, in his professional opinion, some of the dumbest things he had EVER seen.

The Dox Stretch remains under development.

We moseyed around the Harang Center and returned to the casino.

TABLE ONE: CRAPS

YHC divided the PAX into two teams:

Team 1: Dox, Rox, AB, Pop

Team 2: Cuz, Valve, Suckle, Eater

YHC briefly considered giving the teams actual names, but after looking at the combinations it seemed unnecessary.

So Team 1 and Team 2 it was.

The orange LED die determined the exercise. The purple die determined the number, multiplied by five.

Roll.

Exercise.

Reps.

Trivia question.

Repeat.

Simple.

The dice performed beautifully. Dox continued staring at them like a Labrador watching someone open a bag of bacon.

The trivia portion immediately presented a problem YHC had not adequately anticipated:

These people know entirely too much useless information.

Questions YHC expected to produce several seconds of thoughtful silence were answered almost immediately. America’s Best and Maneater in particular appeared to have spent their entire life preparing for an outdoor fitness casino trivia competition at 5:30 in the morning.

After a few rounds of chance, questionable knowledge, and surprisingly little confusion, we moseyed around the Harang Center and moved on.

TABLE TWO: BLACKJACK

Each team was dealt two cards and had the option to hit or stay.

Initially Team 1 played Team 2.

This lasted approximately long enough for everyone to realize that whichever team got to make its decision second had a fairly significant advantage.

Unlike an actual casino, YHC acknowledged the flaw in the rules instead of simply taking everyone’s money.

So the format changed.

Each team would now play against YHC.

The House.

This solved absolutely nothing for the House.

Team 1 proceeded to stack the deck with Dox, Rox, AB and Pop somehow winning hand after hand and accumulating chips at an alarming rate.

There were no Jokers because YHC forgot/didn’t bring them (these were supposed to add another wrinkle to the game), which in hindsight was probably the only thing preventing Team 1 from purchasing the Warren J. Harang Municipal Auditorium outright before sunrise.

If you busted, you did the number of reps you busted with.

The House, despite centuries of statistical evidence suggesting otherwise, did not appear to have much of an advantage.

Team 1’s chip pile grew.

YHC’s credibility shrank.

We moseyed.

TABLE THREE: TRIVIA ROULETTE

The PAX rotated between wall sits and planks while YHC asked trivia questions.

Again, YHC had apparently underestimated the accumulated useless knowledge contained within this group.

Answers came disturbingly fast.

Correct answer earned the team an opportunity to choose red or black before the next card was flipped.

Correct color: 10 reps.

Wrong color: 15 reps.

This is also where Dox’s squat form began to deteriorate to the point that an independent gaming commission probably should have intervened.

When questioned about the increasingly theoretical relationship between his backside and proper squat depth, Dox reported that his “back hurt from carrying his team all morning.”

This was an impressive statement considering he was standing next to Roxbury, AB, and Popeye.

Team 1 continued accumulating chips anyway.

The House continued not winning.

We moseyed again.

FINAL TABLE: CASINO WAR

The rules began simply.

Each team flipped a card.

High card won.

Exercise was determined by the winning suit.

This worked fine, which naturally meant the Q needed to change it.

YHC announced that teams could now bet their chips on each hand if they wished.

Dox heard the word “bet” and immediately began wagering Team 1’s accumulated fortune without anything resembling a board meeting, shareholder vote, or even casual eye contact with his teammates.

The man who had spent the morning carrying his team was now apparently authorized to manage its treasury. Which, according to his Amazon cart and order history, is not a solid idea.

This strategy quickly resulted in Team 1 losing more chips than would have otherwise been necessary.

Meanwhile Team 2 continued doing whatever Cuz-Valve-Suckle-Eater does.

As time ran out, Maneater entered the final phase of casino strategy:

theft.

Chips began changing ownership under circumstances that remain under investigation and video review.

YHC briefly attempted to determine an actual winner before realizing several important facts:

1. The chips were plastic.
2. Nobody knew exactly how many chips anyone was supposed to have.
3. Some had been gambled.
4. Some had apparently been stolen.
5. The original scoring system had largely ceased to exist.
6. It was almost 6:00.

After a careful review by the F3 Thibodaux Gaming Commission, the official ruling was:

Team 1 probably won.

But the chips didn’t matter.

The trivia points didn’t matter.

The House didn’t win.

And, ultimately, neither did anyone else.

Which somehow felt appropriate.

We counted off, named off, and raised intentions.

Lil’ Cuz prayed us out.

Thanks to the PAX for trusting YHC with a casino where the odds were unclear, the accounting was nonexistent, the trivia was too easy, the dealer changed the rules halfway through, and one participant openly stole money at the end.

Basically, a casino.

SYITG,

Enron