PAX: Goose, Honeysuckle, Paradox, Teravanilli, Pope, Safety Valve
AO: The Stage
By: Goose
This morning’s beatdown was a perfect storm of multiple PAX dynamics: Popeye’s birthday, copious amounts of injured feet, post IPC, and a random Whitney Houston theme challenge that was meant to buy Yankee Jeaux some time. YHC couldn’t have asked for a better Q.
YJ tried to utilize my hatred for certain 90’s pop songs to delay his next post, but his time away has dulled his defensive strategy and his knowledge of his enemies. YHC relished the opportunity to remove all obstacles to his or anyone else’s posting and the challenge of putting absolutely no weight on the feet while somehow also doing a Whitney Houston theme without playing any of her songs. A fully grounded beatdown also happened to be what the doctor ordered for the men who ground themselves into a pulp at the Peltch on Saturday.
Coupons and bricks were distributed, and then seven sixes hit the concrete and stayed there till 6:00am. Warmups were fun on the ground, and then YHC revealed that the structure of the Whitney Houston themed thang would be a list of songs that were somehow connected to Whitney Houston, and the PAX had the length of the song to figure out how.
Popeye wasn’t able to be there due to the intensity of his surgery, but Vanilli and Honeysuckle made up for it with their ability to dig deep into the tangled webs of musical history. The consequence of not getting the connection of a song to Whitney Houston was 10 Dr. W’s, and we only had to do it twice.
Here are the songs, exercises, and hidden connections:
1. “Jolene” by Beyonce: flutter kick position—switch legs on every “Jolene”
a. “Jolene” was originally written and sung by Dolly Parton, just like “I Will Always Love You”, which is one of the songs that made Whitney Houston famous. Vanilli and Suckle crushed this one.
2. “Lovely Day” by S.O.U.L. S.Y.S.T.E.M.—hold coupons in press position, press on every “Lovely Day”
a. It’s the first song on The Bodyguard soundtrack, the movie that put Whitney on the map. Obviously, nobody got this one.
3. “Heavy Like the Rain” by Kevin Costner—alternate between 20 Freddy’s (2:1) and 20 scissor kicks (2:1) for the duration
a. He was her costar in The Bodyguard, and the PAX had to identify his voice. YJ pulled this one out of somewhere, possibly fueled by the hallucinogenic gases flowing from the half-digested Papa John’s rotting in the colon of the PAX next door.
4. “Hanging Tough” by New Kids on the Block—alternate between brick claps and overhead brick claps while lying on your six, trigger is “Tough”
a. Whitney Houston famously sang one of the most emotional and influential national anthems at a Super Bowl in ’96, and the New Kids were the halftime show. Vanilli, in true Vanilli fashion, came out with an even deeper connection—the guy who created and managed the New Kids created and managed New Edition first, which is where Bobby Brown, Whitney’s infamous husband, got his start.
5. “Proud Mary” by Credence—alternate WWI situps and Dying Cockroaches for the verses, and gas pumps during the “Proud Mary” portions.
a. Tina and Ike Turner famously covered “Proud Mary”, and were famous for their bouts of domestic violence, just like Whit and Bobby Brown.
6. “Candy Girl” by New Edition—alternate 15 Jane Fondas and 15 Hello Dollys
a. Vanilli outdid himself here by naming every member of the band (including Bobby Brown) and their mothers’ maiden names while YJ continuously tried to figure out how the Jackson 5 were connected to Whitney Houston.
7. “10 Duel Commandments” from Hamilton: alternate 100 100’s and 20 Scuba Steves (4-count)
a. This one would have only been caught by someone super familiar with 90’s gangsta rap. Notorious B.I.G. came out with “The 10 Crack Commandments” (which we sampled) in ’97, eight years before Hamilton came out. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon it while searching for “songs about crack” that I realized Lin Miranda had stolen from Biggy! Anyway, Whitney Houston became famous for doing a lot of drugs but denying in an interview that she ever done crack by repeatedly stating that “Crack is whack.” We obviously did Dr. W’s.
8. “No Time to be Sober” by Uncle Kracker (fartsacker)—penguins for the duration, X-factor on “sober”.
a. This one was an attempt at a humorous look at life during COVID lockdown, and Whitney was famously and posthumously inducted into the Rock Hall of Fame during said lockdown in 2020. Guess who else was inducted at the same ceremony?? That’s right—Depeche Mode.
No time for Dr. W’s, but YHC felt that the core was sufficiently burnt, so recovery was called, and count-off and name-off was done on the ground just to make a point. We stood for announcements and prayer intentions, which included Popeye’s recovery, especially on his birthday, and all others dealing with injuries.
YHC is always looking to try new things, and it was fun to see if a fully grounded, no feet required beatdown would work. For the most part, it did, though it did lend itself to a certain demographic of PAX spending most of the workout just laying there with a coupon on their chest enjoying the stars and some good conversation. It also lends itself to a clearer pathway for the expellation of the aforementioned gasses. That in itself may keep YHC from trying it again, but it’s good to know that it’s there if needed.
Thanks for coming out and playing along!
SYITG,
Goose