PAX: Pope, Popeye, Safety Valve, Roxbury, Enron, AB

AO: Tuesday Tuff, 03-31-2026

By: America’s Best

Once thought to be only creatures of mythology and science fiction, botanical human hybrids may now walk among us.

The Gloom has never been so gloomtastical.

Warmarama and then a quick mosey accompanied by complaining and whining that the pace was too fast.

Imperial walkers during the new hit song “It’s Corn.” Burpee on every corn (cohn).

The main event:
This was originally going to be a Dora. Then YHC had a horrible nightmare that I was trying to come up with a Dora, and Yankee Jeaux took over and started directing everyone on a four corners around the Civic Center instead.
Maybe it was a sign. Maybe it was a stress dream. But my therapist says whenever I dream about Yankee Jeaux I need to double my medication.

Anyway- it became

Four corners.
First till the soil and plant: Take the tractor out to corner one (which means murder Bonnie to the first cone) then perform 7 Diamond Dave Mountain Merkins.
(3-count mountain climber with a diamond merkin)

Next: farmer carry to the second cone and perform 7 diamond Dave’s Mountain Merkins and 14 Bobby Hurley’s (to pack the soil down)
Third: farmer carry to the third cone and perform 7 diamond Dave mountain Merkins, 14 Bobby Hurley’s, and 21 bent over rows (to pull the weeds).
Finally: take the tractor back to the start and perform 7 diamond Dave Mountain Merkins, 14 Bobbi Hurley’s, 21 bent over rows, and 28 curls to gather the crops.

Music for this part was “John Barleycorn (Must Die)” on repeat. Thought a song symbolic of life death and Resurrection was appropriate at this time of year. I forgot I was dealing with a PAX who’s heard too much Nickelback, too much Creed, too much Third Eye Blind… thus Traffic’s thoughtful folkrock was met with a devastating combination of silence and Popeye snark.
Luckily the PAX finished it quickly enough to have time for more nonsense.

Next:
Hold plank during Don’t Fear the Reaper.
Merkin on every word. But this wasn’t the entire song— just an endless intro cowbell loop. So while the only prescription for your fever was provided, there were no merkins.

So then we listened to one of the hundreds of Cornman songs cultivated for this beatdown.
Hold plank
Corn= merkin
Come together = shoulder tap
“I’ve returned” or “save me”= chilly Jack

With a few minutes left, YHC decided to just call the exercises on the board while more Cornman played. Hit every muscle group, including the ears.

COT
All the kernels, every niblet, all the cornstalks and cornbread, they were all moving us to this moment.
It was time to unveil the newest wearable:

Through a weeklong competition that was both capricious and arbitrary, Enron was declared Cornman, and got the sweaty wearable.

Go You Own Way, Enron.

Go You Own Way, every one.

STITG,
AB