PAX: Maneater, Teravanilli, Honeysuckle, Lil Cuz, Chum, Roxbury, Goose, Pikachu, Black Panther, Coyote, Duke, Jackknife, Yelnats

AO: The Peltch

By: Goose

YHC pulled up with ten seconds to spare, but the spiteful PAX had already started SSH in order to communicate their ire at being left alone and leaderless til 6:29:50. No hard feelings, at least none that would be communicated before the very end of the beatdown.

Warmups of the usual with slow neck rolls to counteract the effects of recent merkin-heavy weeks (Cuz proposed the name “Pop Rocks” given what was heard around the circle during these.)

The men then grabbed coupons and cones, and the 2.0’s grabbed a load of soccer, volley, spike, and tennis balls. We then headed down to the lower field where deep, juicy mud puddles awaited us. The exact opposite of Popeye conditions.

YHC set up cones about 30 yards apart with more cones about 10 yards apart to create a sort of 30-yard-long corridor. Today is June 6, the anniversary of D-day, arguably the most important military operation in history. Today, the adult PAX would enter into that experience in F3 fashion (in prime conditions).

We simulated the storming of all five beaches in Normandy by having the men travel via MOT from the first cone (the shore) to the second (the cliffs) while the 2.0’s played the part of the Nazis by violently firing at them continuously with the cache of balls. If an Allied soldier was hit, he had to do 10 reps of a given exercise before continuing his MOT progress. Once attaining the cliffs/cone, they could become a medic and shield those still working their way up the beach–if hit, they would only have to do 5 reps of the given exercise. And, once a man reached the cliffs, his progeny had to stop throwing and do 10 burpees. Lastly, if a Nazi fired and missed, he had to do 5 of the given exercise before throwing again (though this was forgotten more often than not).

Here’s how it went down:
Utah Beach: Bear Crawl, 10 merkins when hit
Omaha: Crab Walk, 10 WWI situps when hit
Juno: Lunge walk, 10 genuflections
Gold: Rifle carry, 10 OHP
Sword: Murder Bunny, 1 manmaker

YHC was pleasantly surprised that the experience ended up being even more “Saving Private Ryan”-esque than expected. As soon as we “got off the boats” we were getting hit. Balls were flying all around us, throwing up mud and water as they zipped by our heads and hit the ground. Relief at near misses in the midst of the withering hail of bullets was quickly replaced by 3 or 4 simultaneous hits, mostly to the face and groin somehow. YHC must have done 100 merkins on that first beach despite being surrounded by medics for the last ten yards.

The mud was thick and everywhere. Feet, hands, and knees sunk deep, and bodies suctioned to the ground with every sit-up and merkin. The ant piles were the minefields, and it seemed each of the PAX triggered at least one. It was awesome. It definitely felt like we were doing something meaningful rather than just dodging muddy tennis balls thrown by 8-year-olds.

The Allies sent an incomprehensible 5,333 water craft over the English channel to the beaches of Normandy. When the Germans reported what they were seeing to their superiors, they didn’t believe them. To honor this “all-in” gamble, we did 10 sets of 5, 3, 3, and 3 reps of the following, like this:
5 mountain climbers (2:1), 3 Peter Parkers (2:1), 3 Parker Peters (2:1), and 3 merkins.
The PAX started each round together as soon as the last PAX finished their merkins. YHC can still feel the burn and smell the mud.

Once all the beaches were secured, it was time to haul all the gear ashore. The PAX lined up shoulder to shoulder in plank position and, in conveyor belt fashion, pulled all the cinder blocks through the tunnel to the other side. Half the 2.0’s handed the coupons to the first PAX and the other half received them at the end and arranged them in an organized pile.
But, the higher-ups had a disagreement about the process, and the gear had to be returned to the ships, so the process was repeated in the opposite direction. After this, the PAX laid on their sixes in the cold mud and repeated the conveyor belt there and back by handing the coupons to one another in press position.

Once the gear was ashore, it was time to haul it inland into position to start the grueling process of taking hedgerows one by one. The PAX partnered up for a couple of rounds of “catch me if you can”. For Round 1, while one PAX farmer carried two coupons, the other did 5 box cutters before catching up and switching. Round 2 was rifle carry and 10 LBC’s. The distance was about 100 yards. The 2.0’s ran back and forth relaying orders (and pushing each other into the mud).

After this it was time to gather the gear and head back to the flag for some Mary. After some Freddy Mercs, YHC got the idea that a D-day beatdown wouldn’t be complete without both WW1 and WW3 situps. Lil’ Cuz had made some comments about the weather or something innocuous, and YHC used it as an excuse to punish the PAX with history and coupon-laden Mary:
Just because Berlin fell, it didn’t mean the war was over–far from it. Thousands of men continued to put their lives on the line in the Pacific, so we did continuous sets of WW3 sit-ups until 6:00 am exploded with a mushroom cloud and saved us from further casualties.

Count-off, name-off, and it was time to name the FNG who posted at the summons of Coach Maneater on the little league text thread. He gave us plenty of material, but it was ultimately his fake shark bite that led to his being dubbed “Chum”. He makes an excellent addition to the PAX, and we look forward to many more adventures with him (maybe with less mud and fewer ants and tennis balls to the head. Maybe.)

COT and Rox prayed us out.

SYITG,
Goose